The Museum

The Museum of Old Sparks was a private mansion house before World War II…in the ownnership of the Sparks’ family of Wittersham. It was turned into a makeshift school for evacuated children in 1936 when most of the outer rooms were boarded up…with the artefacts still inside. Legend goes that some of the local prisoners were sedated and boarded up in the outlying rooms..to perish. Many lost souls were trapped in the atmosphere and are said to be still there today. After the war the house was returned to the Sparks’ family but they didn’t return to live there. They opened it up as a museum…The Museum of Old Sparks. Ronald Sparks was killed in The Blackheath Bacon Riots of 1949* and the squabbling Sparks’ family accepted an offer from The National Trust..who now own The Museum..at time of going to press…January 2007.
I hope you enjoy my song about this magnificent specimen of the macabre.
*He was condemned to be hanged but he saved his life by dying in prison.

THE MUSEUM

THE MUSEUM IS OPEN UP FOR BUSINESS NOW
WITH ECHOES AND BANGS
AND THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR EYES GO “WOW”
WE’VE GOT PORTRAITS
WITH EYES THAT MOVE AND TONGUES THAT TALK
SEE THAT GREAT BIG STUFFED BIRD
IT USED TO BE A SPARROWHAWK

DID YOU SEE THE MUMMY IN THE COFFIN BY THE DOOR
SOMETIMES IN THE NIGHT THE MUMMY
WALKS ACROSS THE FLOOR
DANCES WITH THE SKELETONS AND BITS OF DINOSAUR
LEAVING TRAILS OF BANDAGES ALONG THE CORRIDOR

THE MUSEUM IS ALWAYS VERY COLD AT NIGHT
THE GHOSTLY STATUES ARE LIT UP BY THE CANDLELIGHT
THE CURATOR..SEEN SO MANY GHOSTS HIS HAIR IS WHITE
SEE YOU LATER..WE HEARD YOU’RE STAYING HERE TONIGHT

TELL ME WHEN YOU HEAR THE CLATTER
OF THE BALL AND CHAIN
SEE THE STATUE CRYING COS HIS MIND HAS GONE INSANE
TEARS CASCADE ON FLOORS WELL-LAID
LIKE SYMPATHETIC RAIN
ALL STOOD STILL AND TEARS THAT SPILL
ARE SPLASHING DOWN THE DRAIN

THE MUSEUM IS NOT THE PLACE TO GO ALONE
SO STAY WITH A FRIEND
AND ALWAYS TAKE A MOBILE PHONE
DON’T GO TO SLEEP
YOU MIGHT JUST NOT WAKE UP AGAIN
PREPARE TO BE SCARED
BY THE RATTLING OF THE WINDOW-PANE

DID YA SEE THE GLASS JAR WITH THE PICKLED CHIMPANZEE
DID YOU HEAR THE WAILING OF THE JILTED BRIDE-TO-BE
SHE’S BEEN WAITING FOR HER MAN SINCE 1933
WITH FOSSILED FROGS ON ANCIENT LOGS
AND ALL ON DVD

THE MUSEUM..CAREFUL AS YOU’RE PASSING THROUGH
YOU’LL BE JUMPY AS A KANGAROO
THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVENUE
NOW YOU’VE HAD A BIRDS-EYE VIEW
A SPOOKY LITTLE PEEK-A-BOO
YOU’LL BE TRYING TO CALL UP SCOOBY-DOO
SO HE CAN COME AND RESCUE YOU
BUT SCOOBY-DOO AIN’T GOT A CLUE
COS HE’S NOT REAL LIKE ME AND YOU
RELY UPON YOUR OWN I QHIS GET THROUGH THIS REVOLTING STEW
YOU CAN TRY KUNG-FU OR JU-JITSU
IF NOTHING ELSE WILL WORK FOR YOU

THANK YOU FOR YOUR VISIT
THE MUSEUM NOW IS SHUT
TIME TO DRAW THE CURTAINS
AND TO SHUT THE SHUTTERS SHUT

THE NIGHTWATCHMAN’S IN HIS GARDEN
DRINKING COCOA IN HIS HUT
THE FILM IS MADE
THE CAMERAS’ FADE
LET’S MAKE THE FINAL CUT

THE DVD IS AVAILABLE IN THE FOYER

CUT

DO COME AND VISIT US AGAIN

CUT!!